Am I happy Team USA has moved on to the next stage of the World Cup? Absolutely. Does yesterday’s result typify everything ridiculous about a soccer tournament? Again, yes.

Scenario one doesn’t pan out. Scenario two doesn’t pan out. Yet, somehow, on goal differential or some such thing, we’re still moving on. This is more ridiculous than “stoppage time.”

And by the way, now that we have this new metric for determining winners and losers, I’d like the New York Yankees to be named World Series champions of 1960, Bill Mazeroski be damned.