Over the years I’ve seen many lists labeled something like “Lessons my father taught me.” Usually they are things Dad never actually said, but you eventually picked up anyway. Maybe you were an adult or a dad yourself before you grasped them fully. Regardless, the lessons are invariably righteous and becoming.

My father’s been gone for almost a decade, but over that time I’ve pieced together some of those things he might have said were he around. The thing is, most of them are not noble or decent. They’re practical, and above all genuine. These are the real rules my father taught me, though he never actually said any of them. Franklin, I give this list to you.

Rules My Father Taught Me

1. Put yourself first.

2. Never let work get in the way of your hobbies.

3. Make sure other people are more indebted to you than you are to them.

4. Stash away as much money as possible.

5. But if you really want something you should buy it.

6. The only person you can really trust is yourself.

7. There is no need to meddle in the lives of others.

8. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you, including your relatives, friends, and coworkers.

9. When in doubt, consult Rule #1.

10. Every once in a while, do something selfless and generous, just to keep people on their toes.