Just wow.

Most. Epic. Baseball game. Of all time.

Do I have an analogy for it? I don’t know… watching an Ali fight in a typhoon? While listening to The Who and watching Scarface on a giant screen?

I’m going to try to explain this to my son some day. You were 10 feet away in the next room, sleeping. It was the closest I ever came to waking you up in the middle of the night. Just to be part of something amazing.

I was going to be slogging through my day anyway; I’ve been to four Halloween parties already and it isn’t even Halloween yet. Halloween on a Tuesday and partying all weekend sounded like such a good idea too.

Just wow.

That was it?

I’ve been waiting 25 years for the secret JFK assassination files to be unleashed upon the American public.

Seriously? A bunch of redacted bureaucratic gobbledygook?

Somebody get Donald Sutherland on a park bench and tell him to start talking.

World Series brings it old school

I can’t help it… I’ve got Dodger fever this World Series. Let’s face it, they were the only team among baseball’s “final four” that didn’t eliminate one of the teams I actually like and follow during the regular season.

To last night’s game, I could have sworn I was watching a sandy-haired Sandy Koufax on the mound. Kershaw’s gem was outdone perhaps only by two relievers who were Dodger dominant as they have been all postseason. The way their bullpen can shut down a game really is ridiculous and completely unfair, considering they’ve also got Kershaw, Hill, and Darvish.

But the most amazing stat from yesterday’s game?

Kershaw’s 11 Ks? First-pitch home run from Chris Taylor?

How about two hours and 28 minutes?

Seriously? A World Series game? Two hours and 28 minutes? Fox didn’t know what to do with themselves between the end of the game and its cut to 11:00 newscasts. (More shots of David Ortiz’s shoes.)

In Los Angeles (and elsewhere on the west coast) the game ended only a few minutes after 7:30. Ended a few minutes after 7:30. It was practically a day game.

Day game? Dodgers? Dominating pitching? Was that Walt Alston I saw in the dugout?

If they’ve got Drysdale going today it’s not just Game One that’s going to be short.

Pseudocampaigning is here again

I received a letter from my member of Congress the other day. That’s Barbara Comstock, “Republican”-District 10 of Virginia, also known as Barbara Comstock-Libous. Actually, to say the letter came from my congressmember is a bit misleading. The letter came from me, because I paid for it. “Public servant, official business,” reads the return address. Ms. Comstock’s signature is reproduced where a stamp would usually appear, like some 18th-century franking mark.

The “official business” promoted is a meet-and-greet with Ms. Comstock at a local library. That’s a thinly-veiled campaign event advertised in thinly-veiled campaign literature paid for by not-so-thinly-veiled tax dollars. Thanks, Barb.

The last time I contacted Ms. Comstock’s office was some years ago, when I requested that I no longer receive taxpayer-financed campaign literature at my home. Would you like it sent to your e-mail instead? inquired her eager staffer.

I’m still wondering whether that was a joke.

Everything is falling into place

The stage is set. I’m ready. Casual fans are ready. Fox studio executives and advertisers are certainly ready.

Salivating is more like it.

One more win tonight or tomorrow for the Yankees of New York and they will be in baseball’s World Series, their first such trip since 2009. For the already-in Dodgers of Los Angeles it is their first trip since 1988. It’s the first New York-LA championship of any major sport in my lifetime. (The most recent was Yankees-Dodgers in 1981.) This is bound to be the most epic World Series since, well, last year. But last year was epic.

None of this matters, of course, without one more win from the Bronx Bombers. So this is it… one more win. One final ride.

I don’t make jokes… I just watch the government and report the facts

There’s a weekly “newspaper” in my community called the Loudoun Times-Mirror. I leaf through it occasionally for a laugh or two, or really because my son likes to retrieve it from the world’s last surviving newspaper box.

An article from its September 28 issue is titled “Report: County under-funding local nonprofits.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

A yearlong review has confirmed what many Loudoun County residents have been saying for years—the county is grossly under-funding its nonprofits.

So say the people who expect to receive that money.

Remember that kid who said his allowance was too high? Yeah, he wasn’t in this survey either.

Something called the “Institute for Policy and Governance” at Virginia Tech conducted the study, and reported its findings to the county’s Board of Supervisors. Didn’t say who funded the study, but I’m pretty sure at the end of the day it’s you, me, and every other taxpaying sucker at the county, state, or federal level. (Or if you’re me: all three.) I’m guessing whatever the survey cost could have been redirected toward closing that funding gap, no?

As I often find myself saying, I don’t even know where to begin.

Overall, the report recommended the county increase the amount of nonprofit funding it provides to the tune of $263,000 to $288,000.

(Can’t they, in all their wizardry, come up with the exact amount?)

But here’s the best part…

Stakeholders, however, are recommending a $1 million increase.

Ha! A million? Why not a trillion or a hundred gazillion? How much money do you think you should get from the government?

Same answer your seven-year-old answers when asked about his allowance… the highest number he can possibly think of.

Quasi-government types really need to learn how to think bigger.

No joy in Mudville

Usually hedging your bets is a good idea.

When you’re me, and you’ve got a favorite American League baseball team and a favorite National League baseball team, and both of them are in the playoffs, you think you’ll be happy when at least one of the teams make its League Championship Series. I’m happy, of course, that my childhood heroes, the New York Yankees, are in the ALCS after improbable victories three games in a row over the Cleveland Indians. A thing of glory, as a matter of fact. On the other side of things, however, there are my almost-equally-beloved Nats, my hometown (now) team, who’d had a great season and every chance in the world to make the NLCS. Just one more victory last night would have done it. Even if it took until the wee hours of this morning they needed just one more win.

And in epic Washington-failure fashion, it just did not happen.

Can’t say it wasn’t a great game last night (and this morning), but the result was one we’ve become all too accustomed to in the DMV. That sound you hear all across the area this morning is fans sleepily and angrily hitting their alarm clocks knowing they’re going to be late today, if they can make it in at all.

Usually hedging your bets is a good idea. Get a different meal than your wife gets in case one of them isn’t good. But this? The heartbreak last night is more like finding out one of your kids survived a plane crash. One of them. Following a sports team ain’t exactly life and death—I get it. But tell that to the thousands of crushed Nats fans across the area, fans who on top of all this have to endure the same pain and suffering from the Capitals every spring as well.

I find myself one step closer to finally admitting that the team of my youth is now overshadowed in my heart by my new hometown team. The Yankees are great anyway; the Nats need me. Like the Brooklyn Dodgers of old, they need me, and like said Dodgers we’re now waiting ’til next year. And is it better or worse that the Nats are actually good now? At least during the regular season. After decades of futility (many in which the city did not have a team at all) Washington baseball now is actually good, which somehow makes it all the more painful.

But before I go all in for the Nats…

O Yankees, O team of my youth, give me one more ride. Just once more. For CC, for Gardner, for Girardi, for John Sterling for God’s sake. One more time, just one more time.

It’s not just kids

In Monday’s post I gave some anonymous children a hard time about their goofy worldviews and political opinions. They’re kids; I get it. They’re just parroting disturbing information peddled by so-called grownups who should know better. Speaking of which…

Consider this. An item in that same newspaper (The Washington Post) references a Gallup poll from earlier this year in which 61% of respondents say what they pay in income tax is “fair.” (I’m guessing that would be the bottom 61%, which pays hardly any income tax at all.) I believe the stat is intended to show that Americans really don’t pay very much in taxes. Well, the problem is that we really don’t pay taxes per se, the way we pay for gas or milk or cottage cheese. Income taxes, specifically (and a number of other things), are deducted from our paychecks (those of us who receive paychecks) before we even see said money. Trust me, if we all were given our gross salaries and they told to pony up to Uncle Sam at the end of the month, that figure would be a lot less that 61%.

Only 26% of people surveyed say they pay “too much” in taxes. But 60% say “corporations” pay too little. Never mind that “corporations” don’t really pay anything; people do, but I digress. To this one I’d say good job, media, for making the American public think that it’s greedy “corporations” eating out our substance.

Personally I thought the kids’ answers were much funnier.

The world according to eight-year-olds

This is going back a bit, but not exactly time sensitive so worth examining on this Columbus Day. (You know Columbus… the murderous pillager of native lands.)

Last Sunday my hometown paper (that’s The Washington Post) published a piece in its magazine section (the “Education Issue”) about third graders in the D.C. area and how they feel about certain grownup topics. (The world according to third graders or some such thing.) I think the editors of the Post intend for you to take this seriously, and weep and wail for the future. Please do not. Just laugh along at some of the responses. (Save the weeping for the grownups who peddle this junk.)

On presidential politics…

“I think Hillary should have won because people are saying that Trump cheated in the election because they said he was working with Russia or ISIS or something.”

“I would vote for Hillary Clinton because Donald Trump doesn’t like black people and Hillary Clinton does.”

“I think that if I could vote, I would vote for Hillary Clinton because I wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump because he’s orange.” (This was about the most reasoned, thought-out response I encountered.)

On race and gender issues…

“Girls can’t pass the gas without saying excuse me, but sometimes some boys don’t have to.” (Actually this was the best response of the whole lot.)

“I heard on the news that this black guy, he was graduating, and… he was sitting at the bus stop, and then a white person came and he was telling him stuff about things, and then the guy got a knife and then he killed him.” (Doesn’t really say who killed whom, but I wouldn’t let facts get in the way of this story.)

“Some people can be very rich for doing nothing, and they can just sit back and relax their whole life, and there are some people who are poor and they have to get really hard jobs and they get paid very little and they get treated horribly, and Donald Trump hasn’t done anything to help people about this.” (This is pretty much the thinking at the big-boy version of the Post as well. And CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, etc.)

On climate change…

“I don’t really understand climate change, but didn’t Donald Trump do it?”

If I were president…

“I would end slavery.” (I should not this survey was conducted in 2017.)

“I would make slavery against the law, and, what I would do, I would let blacks and whites get along.” (Same comment.)

“I would tear down the wall from Mexico and let them be free. Because Donald Trump is a jerk to Mexicans… I mean, Mexico is not that bad. I mean, it’s not like what it used to be. It has tall buildings.” (#smh)

Lofty goals for our kid presidents, the brainwashed gang of eight-year-olds roaming the streets of the DMV. Fear not, though, grownups, for among the zero percent support for Trump or anything resembling diversity of opinion there is this nugget of wisdom, easily the most reasonable answer given among the presidential plans for a future generation:

“I would make it so that there’s only 10 states so it’s easier to remember all of them.”

Brilliant.