Last night my local school board—they’re also my employer—voted to cancel school next Tuesday. That’s Presidential Primary Day in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Can’t have the kids in school with all those angry Trump voters roaming the halls!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind having the day off that day. I just can’t figure out what’s most embarrassing: that we can’t all get along in public buildings; that we can’t find places other than schools in which to vote; or that the thinly-veiled reason behind the change this year is the poorly-coiffed guy I want to be president!