Will Rogers once said, “I don’t make jokes–I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Yup.

My local government passed this one in January. I’m reporting it with as much urgency as they seem to have in administering it.

The Loudoun County (Virginia) Board of Supervisors has approved a disposable plastic bag tax of five cents per plastic bag, set to go into effect July 1.

“The new tax will be collected on purchases made at grocery stores, convenience stores and drugstores countywide, including those within the county’s incorporated towns,” according to county officials.

The tax does not apply to restaurants, food banks, farmers markets or clothing stores. (Remind me to rename my grocery store a “food bank.”) It also does not apply to the following:

• Durable plastic bags that are specifically designed and manufactured for multiple reuse.
• Plastic bags that are solely used to wrap, contain, or package ice cream, meat, fish, poultry, produce, unwrapped bulk food items, or perishable food items in order to avoid damage or contamination.
• Plastic bags used to carry dry cleaning or prescription drugs.
• Multiple plastic bags sold in packages and intended for use as garbage, pet waste or leaf removal bags.

Yeah, I sat there and couldn’t think of any other way you could possibly use a plastic bag either.

“Recent updates to the Code of Virginia gave localities the ability to enact a tax to address the community and environmental issues associated with disposable plastic bags, including litter, pollution and landfill and recycling center problems,” a January 19 county press release states. Also, “lightweight plastic bags are commonly found in waterways as litter and remain as a pollutant. Unlike natural materials, plastic never completely degrades. It breaks down over time into tiny pieces called microplastics that can end up in food and water and can harm wildlife.”

This just in… water is wet, fire is hot, and, according to a recent discovery, the earth revolves around the sun.

Also from said release…

“Revenues generated by the tax can only be spent on programs that address litter and pollution or help low-income residents obtain durable reusable shopping bags free of charge.”

(I was hoping we could pile more government programs on top of this one.)

“In addition to supporting the purchase of reusable bags for Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program and Women, Infants, and Children Program recipients, the Loudoun County program may be used to expand existing environmental programs, including:

• Enhanced litter reduction initiatives.
• Enhanced education and outreach programs on waste reduction and recycling.
• Expansion of the county’s household hazardous waste and electronics recycling programs.”

I would say this is pretty ambitious for nickels that don’t even seem like they’ll actually be collected.

But don’t worry, county officials “will reach out to local retailers to explain the scope of the disposable plastic bag tax.”

I have an alternative suggestion…

Bag it.