Mike O'Connell

Will Rogers once said, “I don’t make jokes–I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Yup.

My local government passed this one in January. I’m reporting it with as much urgency as they seem to have in administering it.

The Loudoun County (Virginia) Board of Supervisors has approved a disposable plastic bag tax of five cents per plastic bag, set to go into effect July 1.

“The new tax will be collected on purchases made at grocery stores, convenience stores and drugstores countywide, including those within the county’s incorporated towns,” according to county officials.

The tax does not apply to restaurants, food banks, farmers markets or clothing stores. (Remind me to rename my grocery store a “food bank.”) It also does not apply to the following:

• Durable plastic bags that are specifically designed and manufactured for multiple reuse.
• Plastic bags that are solely used to wrap, contain, or package ice cream, meat, fish, poultry, produce, unwrapped bulk food items, or perishable food items in order to avoid damage or contamination.
• Plastic bags used to carry dry cleaning or prescription drugs.
• Multiple plastic bags sold in packages and intended for use as garbage, pet waste or leaf removal bags.

Yeah, I sat there and couldn’t think of any other way you could possibly use a plastic bag either.

“Recent updates to the Code of Virginia gave localities the ability to enact a tax to address the community and environmental issues associated with disposable plastic bags, including litter, pollution and landfill and recycling center problems,” a January 19 county press release states. Also, “lightweight plastic bags are commonly found in waterways as litter and remain as a pollutant. Unlike natural materials, plastic never completely degrades. It breaks down over time into tiny pieces called microplastics that can end up in food and water and can harm wildlife.”

This just in… water is wet, fire is hot, and, according to a recent discovery, the earth revolves around the sun.

Also from said release…

“Revenues generated by the tax can only be spent on programs that address litter and pollution or help low-income residents obtain durable reusable shopping bags free of charge.”

(I was hoping we could pile more government programs on top of this one.)

“In addition to supporting the purchase of reusable bags for Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program and Women, Infants, and Children Program recipients, the Loudoun County program may be used to expand existing environmental programs, including:

• Enhanced litter reduction initiatives.
• Enhanced education and outreach programs on waste reduction and recycling.
• Expansion of the county’s household hazardous waste and electronics recycling programs.”

I would say this is pretty ambitious for nickels that don’t even seem like they’ll actually be collected.

But don’t worry, county officials “will reach out to local retailers to explain the scope of the disposable plastic bag tax.”

I have an alternative suggestion…

Bag it.

Much is made of the Star Wars-inspired date of May the Fourth. As in, May the Fourth be with you.

But March Fourth is a much better mantra, no?

March forth?

Or rather…

March forth!

It’s the shortest month, but also somehow the longest month.

And as of midnight tonight it’s also over.

Thank God.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of seeing pianist Bill Charlap and his trio at Keystone Korner in Baltimore.

I’ve sung the praises of Keystone Korner before, no question the only legit old-school jazz club within a hundred miles of my house. It out-Blues Alleys Blues Alley, bringing in a venerable who’s who of jazz on a nightly basis.

Case in point: Bill Charlap, the man who has accompanied Gerry Mulligan, Phil Woods, and Tony Bennett (to name a few), actually needs only one thing to accompany him on a great set.

A piano.

Though he looks a little like your dentist, or maybe the owner of a Jewish deli, don’t let the doughy face and George Burns glasses fool you. He out-Brubecks Dave Brubeck (to use that analogy again), bringing a cerebral approach to the piano that lacks nothing in creativity. He can literally pianoforte, touching the keys with a surgeon’s sensitivity one moment, then pounding the board with his elbows the next. (That’s actually not an exaggeration.)

Joining Bill in his trio are two of the biggest names in rhythm. Well, just one name, actually: Washington. Worthy of Founding Father status, bassist Peter Washington and drummer Kenny Washington are the guys you’d want to play with if you were literally the best and could afford to hire literally the best sidemen on the planet. This was the Brubeck model in his later years, and the Tony Bennett model as well.

And whom did Tony Bennett have playing piano for him?

Yup.

This was one to blog about.

I heard about the potential for this change a few months ago, but my local Dollar Tree (henceforth known as “Dollar” Tree) has now raised its prices from a dollar to a dollar-twenty-five per item.

Twenty-five percent is a big increase, but hey… it’s a dollar.

The thing I’ve loved about dollar stores in general the past few decades goes beyond cheap prices. I like that everything is the same price. It would be true if everything in the store were five dollars or 10 dollars or a million dollars. If everything is the same price, all you have to do is look at the quality of the merch.

Ever find something great in a store, then look at the price tag and realize it’s not so great anymore?

That never happens when you automatically know the price of everything in the store.

The beauty of Dollar Tree is thus: consider this shelf full of goods. Everything is the same price, so just pick the best thing.

Awesome.

Still awesome at a buck-twenty-five.