Mike O'Connell

This one’s about a week old and therefore ancient history in media years, so most of the world has already forgotten about the hubbub surrounding the University of California’s system-wide policing of racist and sexist “microagressions” in writing and speech.

But I haven’t.

The real creation of this monster actually goes back to this past January, when UC’s president Janet Napolitano (remember her?) sent a letter to her deans and department chairs inviting them to attend seminars “to foster informed conversation about the best way to build and nurture a productive academic climate.”

Yup.

You see, phrases such as America is a melting pot, America is the land of opportunity, and I believe the most qualified person should get the job, can no longer be tolerated at that beacon of free speech, the University of California’s flagship school at Berkeley or any of its subsidiaries. To be fair, these phrases aren’t technically illegal, just, you know, frowned upon because “brief, subtle verbal or non-verbal exchanges that send denigrating messages to the recipient because of his or her group membership (such as race, gender, age or socio-economic status).”

Non-verbal? Are you kidding m—oh God, I’ve said too much.

So-called microaggressions, the argument goes, can lead to “hostile learning environment[s],” which politically-correct types view as legally actionable.

Eep.

But don’t worry, this won’t play any role in grades or tenure or hiring or firing or anything like that, because, you know… Everyone can succeed in this society, if they work hard enough.

Whoops.

[Editor’s note: The only thing that offends me about that last sentence is the grammatical error!]

A question.

Which was longer: the monstrous pregame show heading into this year’s Super Bowl game, or the appeal hearing yesterday for star quarterback and scapegoat Tom Brady’s suspension for his involvement in the so-called Deflate-gate scandal?

Answer: windbags with law degrees beat windbags with TV microphones every day of the week.

Now we await the real fate of Tom Brady, who as of this moment faces a four-game suspension for his involvement for the underinflation (is that a word?) of footballs preceding the 2015 AFC Championship Game. Brady is appealing his suspension as all scrappy victims do.

What the hell kind of topsy-turvy world am I living in that Tom Brady–football hero married to supermodel–is an underdog? Add him to the 2015 lovable long shot list with LeBron James, Alex Rodriguez, and Tiger Woods. I suppose you can throw Pete Rose and the Confederate flag in there too, but let’s face it, the Confederates have been underdogs since 1860. And for the first time in a century in a half, ain’t nobody rooting for them these days.

But Brady? Well, first time in a decade and a half for me this season, because you know I love an underdog.

Over the years I’ve seen many lists labeled something like “Lessons my father taught me.” Usually they are things Dad never actually said, but you eventually picked up anyway. Maybe you were an adult or a dad yourself before you grasped them fully. Regardless, the lessons are invariably righteous and becoming.

My father’s been gone for almost a decade, but over that time I’ve pieced together some of those things he might have said were he around. The thing is, most of them are not noble or decent. They’re practical, and above all genuine. These are the real rules my father taught me, though he never actually said any of them. Franklin, I give this list to you.

Rules My Father Taught Me

1. Put yourself first.

2. Never let work get in the way of your hobbies.

3. Make sure other people are more indebted to you than you are to them.

4. Stash away as much money as possible.

5. But if you really want something you should buy it.

6. The only person you can really trust is yourself.

7. There is no need to meddle in the lives of others.

8. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you, including your relatives, friends, and coworkers.

9. When in doubt, consult Rule #1.

10. Every once in a while, do something selfless and generous, just to keep people on their toes.

I don’t go to the movies often (actually never), but I’ve had Entourage circled on my calendar since literally years before anyone admitted such a thing would exist. I knew one day they’d make the hit TV series into a movie, and I’d be there the first day. Well, it wasn’t the first day and wasn’t the second, but they got my 13 bucks and it was worth every penny.

I’m not going to divulge any plot lines or outcomes here—really, what’s there to divulge? It’s just people being awesome—just to say got see it if you haven’t. And if you have, see it again. This is one of those movies that I leave in my Netflix queue even after I see it, because I figure by the time it makes its way to the top of said queue I’ll want to see it again. Same reason I own most seasons of Entourage on DVD and why I used to go out of my way to see it every Sunday, even when I didn’t have HBO. (Good to have friends.) For those of you who’ve never seen an episode of the show (first off, shame on you), you’ll still enjoy the movie. But the more familiar you are with the series and the brand the more you’ll be rewarded. (I knew all that extra studying I did would come in handy.)

Usually I say about a movie like this that no one tries too hard and I appreciate that. Well, 95 percent of the actors in this movie don’t try too hard, actors and non-actors who are just making cameos and being awesome on screen. But the main cast is trying, and those actors really are acting and doing it well. Yeah, the whole thing’s a bit contrived and maybe predictable… who cares. This is all about being awesome. It’s hip-hop for white people (I wish I came up with that one), and I approve. To borrow from a review from another of my favorite (but very different) films… it’s got a good beat and the kids can dance to it.

I’m still a kid at heart. Aren’t we all? My entourage is now my wife and son (actually I’m in their entourage), but I still like things that are awesome.

The I-think-Golden-State-will-sweep-this-series just gets more and more laughable with each NBA Finals game played. Can we now say that Cleveland has a chance to win this series? Remember, they’re a Game One centimeter or two away from being able to close it out with a sweep of their own Thursday. Still the same, I see no reason why the Cavs can’t continue their winning ways and roll to an unlikely (to most) series victory.

Next up… pigs fly, Redskins win the NFC East, and Rand Paul announces he will run as a Democrat as Hillary’s vice president.