It’s here. The last day of school and the final day of announcing my “Christmas list” on Math and Musings.
Now it’s time to go home.
1
Three days until winter break.
Oh, if the kids only knew the teachers looked forward to the end of the week waaay more than they do.
I just finished reading Mark Seal’s Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli: The Epic Story of the Making of The Godfather.
Eh.
Not exactly a page-turner, the book did at least have the advantage of my all-time favorite movie as its subject.
Most of the stories I’d heard before, but it was cool to have them all in one place.
And it definitely made me want to watch the movie for the 300th time.
Fifty-one down, 27 to go.
It’s a labor of love, completing my Christmas list, and the only thing I like more than doing it is talking about it.
For a further explanation, tune in to today’s episode of Math and Musings, available wherever podcasts are sold.
For the second time in a week I’m plugging something on HBO, the O.G. of all subscription services certainly in no need of any assistance from me.
The documentary I suggest watching on said service concerns a musician. Of all the musicians in the world he’s the one who needs my two-bit acknowledgement the least, but here goes.
Available on HBO now is a film called Listening to Kenny G. If you’ve lived on Planet Earth the past 40 years you’ve already listened to Kenny G, but you probably haven’t seen him like this. (And if you’re wondering who Kenny G is, have you ever been in, like, a building? Ever? And there was music? Yeah, that was Kenny G.)
Honestly before Monday night I knew very little about Kenny G the person. Everyone knows Kenny G’s music, but no one knows Kenny G. This is addressed in the film.
Most professional jazz musicians and nearly all professional jazz critics dislike Kenny G. This is also addressed in the film. Actually that’s basically the premise of the whole thing. Why do real jazz players and fans hate Kenny G, while millions of people around the world love him? Is Kenny G’s music actually jazz? Has he ever claimed it was?
All of this and more is discussed at length in Listening to Kenny G. And yeah, we actually get to listen to Kenny G. Like, Kenny the guy, talking about his craft. At which he still practices three hours a day. Yeah, 50 years on he’s practicing three hours a day. Like him or not, the man is a true master of his instrument, and apparently tries to be a master of everything he does. Golf, flying a plane, making hit records. And whether you call it jazz or not, it sells. People like it. Just not real jazz fans, apparently.
I’ve been the Kenny G apologist among my jazz friends for many years. (I’m the Beatles apologist too, though that one tends to be easier to defend.)
Maybe I can pick up a few more supporters now.
When you’re searching for the Holy Grail there’s no silver medal for second place.
When you’re trying to reach the College Football Playoff there’s no prize for being five.
My beloved Fighting Irish of Notre Dame have the unfortunate distinction this year of being fifth place in a four-team race for the national championship.
My first thought was, no way Cincinnati should be in, I bet they didn’t beat a ranked opponent all year!
Actually, no, Cincinnati topped Notre Dame in October.
And the Irish didn’t beat a ranked opponent all season.
You know HBO’s old slogan, it’s not TV, it’s HBO.
That’s kind of how I feel when watching one of said subscription service’s new(ish) offerings, How To with John Wilson.
Trying to describe the premise of the show is like trying to explain water to a fish. Short version: it’s good.
How To airs Friday nights on HBO. I think it’s 10:00 or maybe 10:30… who’s really paying attention in the streaming era? I know that it magically shows up on HBO Max at some point Friday night, and even if I “miss it” (20th century TV talk right there) it’s available Saturday morning. Last week instead of cartoons my son and I watched it together. Yeah, my seven-year-old son and I watching HBO programming together. That’s what makes How To so good. It works on many levels. (Sometimes it gets a little adult but thankfully this one wasn’t.) I’d make the summary something like this…
It’s a documentary. About something. Usually some cohesive topic for the week but not necessarily a story, per se. It’s short clips from a guy with a sort-of hidden camera, though sometimes the subjects being filmed are aware they’re being interviewed. Sometimes not. It’s just regular people, regular things, sometimes regular and sometimes unusual circumstances. Mostly filmed in New York City, and it’s definitely got a New York City vibe. In a city this big even day-to-day life is bound to get a little interesting.
The cameraman/narrator of this first-person story is the eponymous Wilson. He’s a Binghamton University graduate (that’s what brought me to the show in the first place), class of 2008.
Ouch.
You know you’re old when the “famous” people from your college graduated after you did.
“Critically acclaimed” is a common adjective to describe Wilson’s show. And now I think Wilson too, whose social awkwardness works perfectly in his How To world. He’s in a class by himself because I can’t think of anyone else doing what he’s doing as commercially successfully as he. Without selling out. It’s magical.
Episode Two of Season Two airs tonight. If you haven’t seen Season One yet do yourself a favor and check out those half dozen episodes from 2020 and get caught up in the story.
Actually there’s no story. You’ll just be entertained.
Because… it’s good.
Borrowing one from Sports Illustrated here: This week’s sign that the Apocalypse is upon us.
From the generation that eschews coffee-pot coffee for peppermint mocha hot macchiatos with skim milk for $8.95, there is this.
Now available at Target: plant-based oatmilk holiday nog.
Yup.
Will Rogers once said, “I don’t make jokes–I just watch the government and report the facts.”
He also could have shopped at Target.
I’ve mentioned previously about one of my labors of love, formerly my “quarantine goal” to read–yes, read–every single issue of Playboy magazine. So far I’m up to January 1964.
Imagine my surprise in said issue to find an old joke. I’d always known this was an old joke, I just didn’t realize I was off by a quarter of a century.
One of the most famous lines in all of cinema follows one of cinema’s most famous non-verbal scenes. (Well, non-verbal in a manner of speaking.) The diner scene from When Harry Met Sally. Meg Ryan (Sally) demonstrating, well, her acting ability. Elderly woman in the restaurant (director Rob Reiner’s mother): “I’ll have what she’s having.”
That joke is now more than 30 years old.
Actually, no, it’s more than 50 years old. It was in Playboy in 1964, and apparently, as went the deal at the time, some lucky reader got 25 bucks for it.
Probably stole it from someone else, but I guess that’s how these things go.
Two years ago I posted my first “Christmas list,” 50 things one must see, do, eat, or experience between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last year I added 18 more, noting that even in a pandemic I had completed not only these 18 but 47 out of the original 50. This year I’ve added a dozen to the total, cutting a couple from the first list as well. (The Rite Aid in Sterling is now a Walgreens and just doesn’t do Christmas the same anymore, and Broad Street in Falls Church is just too far for something that has fallen off in recent years.)
That still leaves 78 things to do between today and December 25th. And here they are.
Things to do between Thanksgiving and Christmas
First two things to do:
- Listen to Frank Sinatra’s A Jolly Christmas from Frank Sinatra. Recorded in 1957, it set the bar high for holiday albums. Preferably listened to on long-playing record, where one can easily note the change in mood from contemporary (side one) to traditional (side two), I like to listen to this album in its entirety late on Thanksgiving evening. (Alternate listening time: car ride home from Grandma’s the following day.)
- Put up Christmas lights in the den. Nothing looks better than the glow of your television backlit by multi-colored bulbs.
Speaking of your TV… watch these Christmas specials.
- A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
- It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown (1992)
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
- How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)
- Frosty the Snowman (1969)
- Frosty Returns (1992)
- A Garfield Christmas (1987)
- “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire” (first full episode of TheSimpsons; original airdate: December 17, 1989)
- “The Strike” (the “Festivus” episode of Seinfeld; original airdate: December 18, 1997)
- “Classy Christmas” episode of The Office (original airdate: December 9, 2010)
- “The Night of the Meek” episode of The Twilight Zone (original airdate: December 23, 1960)
- “Road to the North Pole” episode of Family Guy, original airdate: December 12, 2010
- “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” episode of South Park (original airdate: December 17, 1997)
16-19. Four episodes of The Wonder Years, Christmas-themed episodes from Seasons 2 and Seasons 4-6 (1988 and 1990-92)
- The BBC broadcast of Raymond Briggs’ The Snowman. (One of those rare circumstances in which the movie is better than the book.) Double bonus if you watch the American version with an intro from that famous American, David Bowie!
- Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983). Dickens got nothin’ on this one.
Sometimes Christmas cannot be contained in 30 minutes or less. Here are the full-length movies one must watch.
- Home Alone (1990)
- A Christmas Story (1983)
- Elf (2003)
- Christmas Vacation (1989)
- Holiday Inn (1942)
- White Christmas (1954)
- It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
- Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (1999). Three short films featuring a cartoon mouse. And the first one on the list I’ll actually watch with my son.
- Bad Santa (2003). My favorite Christmas movie. And this one I definitely won’t watch with my son. Well, not yet anyway.
Certain things you’ll want to eat or drink…
- Coca-Cola (the beverage of Christmas)
- an old-school regular peppermint candy cane
- those white nougat candies with the tree image in the center
- those cheap shortbread cookies that are dyed pink or green and are surprisingly delicious, not to be confused with the ones that come in the blue tins
- those cookies that come in the blue tins
- a chocolate orange (why do they not sell these all year?!)
- chocolate bar wrapped to look like a hundred-dollar bill (same question as above)
- Martinelli’s sparkling cider
- cinnamon rolls for breakfast (Christmas Eve or Christmas Day)
- crescent rolls for dinner (same)
- S’mores. Homemade. Preferably prepared outside, but inside if you must.
- one of those Reese’s peanut butter “trees.”
- Stovetop popcorn. Strung up, eaten, or both.
- Hot chocolate
- Chips and dip. My only childhood memory of my father’s parents house is eating potato chips and sour cream and onion dip on Christmas Eve from a garish ’70s-era green chip-and-dip bowl set. In your recreation any bowl will do.
- Peppermint stick ice cream
- egg nog
- Grown-up egg nog
Things to hear…
Other than Sinatra’s album (see #1) there are four that must be listened to in their entirety.
- Vince Guaraldi Trio’s A Charlie Brown Christmas(1965)
- Tony Bennett’s A Swingin’ Christmas. Recorded with the Count Basie Big Band in 2008, proof that at 82, the man could still swing.
- Ella Fitzgerald’s Ella Wishes You a Swinging Christmas. Recorded in 1960, it took nearly a half century for another Christmas album to swing as hard.
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, full album that accompanied the movie including instrumental bonus tracks.
- My own Christmas playlists on Spotify, now totaling nearly six hours of holiday music.
Other things to see, hear, taste, read, do, or experience.
- Check out the red lights lining Georgetown Parkway at Krop’s Crops in Great Falls.
- Get tree from there too. For years I’d only dreamed it.
- Red stripes on my front porch pillars, like eight-foot-tall candy canes. I get to do it because I was the one in my neighborhood who thought of it first.
- Take a journey out to the Meadowlark Botanical Gardens in Vienna (Virginia, not Austria) and walk through the “Winter Walk of Lights.” Worth the walk.
- Drive through the Bull Run Festival of Lights (Centreville, Va.), amazingly even better than the walk-through at Meadowlark, seen from the comfort of your car.
- See a performance of The Nutcracker, or at least listen to the “soundtrack” in its entirety.
- Enjoy an evening at home watching that yule log image on your television.
- Read Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory.”
- Read Truman Capote’s “One Christmas.”
- Find a Christmas party at someone’s house (preferably way nicer than your own house) and go there. Bonus points if you’re playing the piano and getting paid to be there.
- Have Jack Daniel’s on Sinatra’s birthday (December 12). This really has nothing to do with Christmas but it does fall in the season. You should have Jack Daniel’s from time to time anyway just to be reminded of what a real drink tastes like, before the world was overrun by girly cocktails and macchiatos with skim milk.
- Donate toys to charity.
- Deposit money in one of those Salvation Army red kettles.
Places to go…
67. The mall. Every community has a place simply referred to as “the mall.” Go there and experience the true meaning of Christmas.
68. A giant decorated tree in a shopping plaza (again, everyone has one… or in Loudoun County we have about a dozen).
69. Big Lots… trust me, weird off-brand Christmas stuff.
70. Dunkin’ Donuts… best Christmas displays of your standard commercial food operations.
71-72. Visit two adjacent shopping centers in Great Falls, Virginia. I used to count them as one item because they’re across the street from other, but in retrospect that’s an insult to each. At the intersection of Georgetown Parkway and Walker Road you will find the world’s classiest Safeway (I know, it sounds like an oxy moron, just trust me), and then across Walker Road you have the Village Centre shopping mall. (Classy enough to warrant the British spelling of centre.) Drink in the holiday awesomeness of both shopping plazas.
73. Read Mercer Mayer’s Merry Christmas Mom and Dad.
74. Watch one of your old home movies filmed at Christmastime. Double bonus points if it’s on VHS.
- Make a new home movie. Triple a million bonus points if you’re recording it on VHS. Minus a million points if you’re recording on your phone.
And finally, everyone has his or her own unique Christmas toys or games that have special meaning. Make these your last three. For me I have two from my childhood and one from adulthood.
76. The mouse Advent calendar. Back before Advent calendars were ubiquitous (and could set you back 20, 50, or 100 bucks depending how adult you wanted them to be), I had a simple cloth calendar that hung on my bedroom door. There were 24 pockets, and each day a little toy mouse moved from pouch to pouch, producing a toy, money, or treat each day. I’ve now given Franklin the calendar and he’s brought the tradition into the 21st century. I’m also on the third generation of cats who like to steal that little mouse.
- The dancing Coca-Cola bear. Purchased in about 1993, this item always makes me smile. It’s a stuffed bear, about a foot tall, holding an upright bass and wearing sunglasses. It sits on a pedestal adorned with the Coca-Cola label, and dances to a medley of “Jingle Bells” and “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.”
- Also from the world of Coke memorabilia… a Holiday 2005 glass bottle which sits on my bookshelf 12 months a year. The beverage was consumed more than a dozen years ago but the bottle looks like it just came off the factory line. It was the last thing my father ever gave me. (Well, last physical thing.)